Where. To. Begin.
Someone pinch me, it can’t only have been almost 2 months ago this journey started…
This transition has been very rough to say the least. Everyone getting used to each other. Chris and I’s comfortably boring life flipped over into a life full of appointments, temper tantrums, and being responsible for something more than ourselves and our nearly self sufficient pets. John adjusting again to a new home, new caregivers, new – ish school, new rules/rules in general. I now have a booster seat in my car, pack a spiderman lunchbox each morning, and have gone to work with peanut butter in my hair on at least one occasion (that I know of). I have officially reached Auntie – mom status.
We have endured weeks full of phone calls from the school, mild destruction of our home, tantrum after tantrum after tantrum, hateful words hurled at Chris and I, a one day suspension from school for fighting, and the list could continue for awhile more.
I have to be honest here, there are stretches of days where I find myself having trouble liking this kid….because I am a human and that happens sometimes. Those days I find myself constantly asking God how he does it. How in the world God, do you still love each and every one of us with an unfailing love? No matter how far we go from you….or how often we break your heart…or disobey you…disrespect you. ..even straight up ignore and hate you. Nothing breaks your love and I do not understand it. I am continually asking God to show me THAT way…THAT love because that is the love that overcomes anything. I need to learn and cultivate that healing love.
And this is where God has been whispering ever so calmly and gently, “it’s not about you”. When this child is full of rage and defiance, it’s not about me. When he is hurling hurtful words with his usual sweet 7 year old voice, it’s not about me. When it seems like the storm might not pass this time, it’s not about me. There’s a light coming…we see glimpses of it and it’s beautiful. No matter how many times my heart breaks or my anger is kindled it is not…about…me.
It’s about that blue heart hanging at my work desk that says “To Ant Kim”, it’s the millions of hugs I get around my legs, it’s hearing that little voice talking to Jesus every night and morning asking Jesus to watch over his entire family (including Brody and Kitten of course), it’s that night he asked Jesus to live in his heart, it’s the proud yet shy smile when we gush over his good choices, and the 100% spelling test hanging up on his bedroom wall. It’s the “thank you’s” I’m starting to get for packing his lunch, and those small glimmering moments when he shows he is learning that he controls the choices he makes. It’s about a boy who needs love more than I need anything. It’s not about me at all. And that is a very sobering realization for anybody.
I heard God whisper in my heart “you are at the beginning of a great testimony” while I laid in bed last night. I have complete confidence God will be nothing but glorified through this situation. God is proving his faithfulness time and again and I can’t help but be in awe of how absolutely amazing he is! Chris and I COULD NOT do this without God’s guidance. This is completely in his hands, and there’s no better place for it to be.
Official status update? We are alright 🙂 We’ve had some storms…and we’ve had some sunshine and God has held us in his arms the whole time. We have a court date next week to take the next step so prayers are greatly appreciated. Little homeboy has a birthday coming up a week from Sunday too 🙂 Annd I think he is growing! He should be anyways with all the Vitamin D milk and foods we’re constantly feeding him! Everyone’s support and prayers are deeply felt and very appreciated!
God Bless 😀