Sometimes I'm Creative

Circa 1.5 years…

Circa 1.5 years ago, 2:30 in the AM.

I am lost inside the deepest most beautiful sleep of my life, and on track for actually sleeping a healthy amount of hours.  Then.  It happens.  The terrible screeching.  I jump up.  Instantly I smell smoke and I’m goin through my little brain trying to think.  “Whhaaaaat the fack? All my junk is still in boxes and I dont have anything that could even try to be on fire.” I roll over and see what appears to be a glowing red, blurry, smoking demon.  Again, Whaaat the fack!  I fumble for my glasses, clumsily shove them onto my face, and look up again to discover that this demon is actually my very old furnace, that prolly hasn’t been used in years, and had decided to come alive and spit gas fumes and smoke all over my tiny bedroom.  Seriously, that thing looked like the gateway to Hades.  In the hallway I can hear my angry neighbors trying to figure out which room the screeching is coming from.  Now that I knew what was causing the smoke (and verified nothing was actually on fire) I set to silencing the screecher, which proved a much more difficult task than I had anticipated.  I had yet to get a step stool so I searched the wreckage of unpacked bags and boxes and “Aha!” I spot a tub that looked like it might not cave in if I stood on it.  I step up and inspect.  Maybe if I twist it….oops.  I was then holding the screaming blinking thing in muh hands.  The whole time my heart is pounding and I’m waiting for someone to break down my door and catch me clad in my not-nearly-long-enough cookie monster sleep shirt, and severe bed head shakily trying to balance on this caving in tub, all the while holding this blinking smoke detecter, and peeing everywhere.  Just before I was about to chuck the thing out the window I discovered some instructions engraved on the top.  Push and hold button until beeping stops.  Holding….silence.  Oh my gosh it was the most amazing silence of my entire little life.  I stashed the bleeper under a towel in the bathroom and shut the door.  Now to tame the demon.  Keep in mind no one had yet explained how to work the furnace, I didn’t even know where the ‘on-off’ button was.  I finally found it only to discover that it was already set to the OFF position and inconveniently located right behind some sketchy lookin spidey webbings.  Seriously?  Now I’m freaking out cuz I think my room is haunted.  I called my friend, who is actually worse about being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping than I am.  Between the trying to talk on the phone, thinking about how on EARTH that thing turned on, and being tired and completely overwhelmed I ran my kneecap right into the corner of my very wooden, very hard bed frame.  I was instantly down.  I dropped the phone, and my face thankfully buried itself in my comforter muffling my sharp shriek of anquish.   I took a deep breath, collected myself, tried to control the pain, picked up my phone, and assured my not-so-concerned friend that I was not dead.  The furnace then shuts off, just as mysteriously as it had turned on.  Knee throbbing, heart pounding, arms shaky I collapsed on my bed and somehow fell back into sleep.  The rest of the night that damned furnace kept turning on and off.  I’d wake up, throw the covers off, turn the ceiling fan on HIGH, (ya know where the fan goes so fast you’re scared it’s gonna fly down and murder you) then wake up a half hr later shivering, and then repeat.

Behind me looms the smoking beast…

The very next day I recounted my tale to my landlady who had a maintenance man (who was short, round, and had a mustache AKA he flippin looked like Mario!) make sure the furnace was indeed set to OFF and would NEVER turn on again.  There were no repeats of that night.  And the smoke detector remained (quite unsafely and unlawfully) lifeless and unattached to the ceiling.

And that is my first story for you.  Keep in mind all of that took place in a matter of minutes.  Also keep in mind that this story is wayyy better when I tell it in person as I am terrifically animated.  I think I’m gonna make an awesome old person…I’ve been told i can weave quite the tale.


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